Emotions of A Miscarriage
I had known people who had miscarried, but until I personally experienced the loss of a pregnancy, I didn’t completely grasp the myriad of emotions that would follow.
The grief I experienced was two-fold. First there was the grief of loss. This sadness was similar to what I had felt when my grandfathers and my mother-in-law died. If you have lost someone close to you, then you can most likely relate. It is an intense sadness of having a person one day, and then not having them the next. One day I was pregnant and completely ecstatic, and the next day I was no longer pregnant and completely heartbroken.
Then along with the grief over losing a life; there was also the grief over “what could have been”.
I would never know if I was carrying a boy or girl; I would never know what the baby would have looked like; I would never know their personality…I would never know my own child.
Fear and Worry
For me, everything was compounded due to the fact that I was struggling with infertility. This brought about fear, worry, and a whole list of “what-ifs”:
What if I am not able to get pregnant again? What if this was my one chance to be pregnant? What if this means I can’t carry a pregnancy?
Anger and Disappointment
With the fear that I would never get pregnant again, I was beyond disappointed that I wasn’t going to get to be pregnant this time. All the excitement I was anticipating was gone. There wouldn’t be a grandiose announcement; there wouldn’t be a gender reveal party; there wouldn’t be any baby showers; I wouldn’t be staying home with a little one in the near future. Something that was supposed to be so thrilling, was now, nothing but an extreme let down.
All of my disappointment, ultimately, led to anger. I was mad that I had to go through this. Why did others get to be pregnant with no problem? I was already struggling with actually getting pregnant, and now this too? It just didn’t seem fair.
An Unexpected Emotion
As deeply as I felt every other emotion, I also felt kind of embarrassed. (It has been really hard for me to put this part of the miscarriage into words, but I will try my best.) I guess I just felt silly to be so upset over a pregnancy that ended so early. I mean…. I was only like 6-7 weeks along…..and I wasn’t even sure when I exactly miscarried. The baby was probably only the size of a sesame seed. I didn’t feel the baby move, I didn’t see an ultrasound, and I didn’t hear a heartbeat….the only reason I knew a little life was in me was because of two lines on a pregnancy test. According to my Google research (yes, I know….I have a problem), people miscarry all the time. I was just one of many. If I hadn’t been so eager to take a pregnancy test, I probably wouldn’t have even known I was pregnant. There are those who lose their babies much farther along. I felt like they deserved to grieve….not me. It just seemed kind of dumb to be so distraught over this.
The Constant Reminders
With this cocktail of emotions swirling inside of me, the days that followed were difficult, as I was constantly bombarded with subtle reminders of my new reality:
- The Belly Book. The one I bought when Brandon and I went out to eat as a celebration. I had already completed the first few entries, so I couldn’t just save it for the next pregnancy (if there was even a “next” pregnancy). Now what? My belly would not be growing….there would not be a baby bump. What was I supposed to do with the book now? It felt like a waste.
- There were the phone calls we had to make. Here I had been preparing a Facebook worthy reveal, and now…..THIS. I didn’t get to have the fun, exciting, happy moment I had planned. Nope. Instead of getting to tell my parents they were getting ready to be grandparents….I had to tell them we WERE pregnant…uhhh…BUT…not anymore.
- And don’t forget about my refrigerator full of pregnant momma food. I just wanted to toss everything out. Every time I opened those insulated doors to see all the fruits, veggies, and dairy….I just wanted to scream. You better believe I started fixing myself coffee every morning and hydrating with good ol’ caffeinated Dr. Pepper (my two drinks of choice) to soothe my pain.
- And then there was the calendar….the CALENDAR….. I write everything in there. I had already penciled in the predicted due date, along with the doctor’s appointment scheduled for just a few days later. Those both had to be marked out.
- And, of course, there were the baby websites I had signed up for: Babycenter, What to Expect, and the Bump.com. I had to go into each one and delete my account. Nothing would be worse than to continue getting all those emails telling me how my baby WOULD have been developing.
Oh….and let’s not forget the lab work the doctor ordered. In the midst of everything going on, I amazingly still had this slight tinge of hope.
Maybe the baby was just so small the doctor couldn’t see it on the ultrasound. Maybe I was earlier along than we all thought. MAYBE….just maybe…..I was still pregnant.
That tiny spark of hope was shattered when they called with the lab results. My hormone levels verified that I had definitely lost the pregnancy.
It was OFFICIAL:
I was no longer pregnant. I was not having a baby.
I know there are those reading who may be able to relate to this unbearable feeling of loss that I experienced. If that is you, please know that my heart breaks for you. Know that is ok to grieve over your loss. Take time to take care of yourself; find someone to talk to; and know that it is ok to be sad. It doesn’t matter how far along you were.
A life is a life, and it hurts when it is gone.