Maybe….just maybe….the baby was fine….and all of this is just a scare.
Although everything pointed to the reality of a miscarriage, there was still that little part of me that was optimistic.
As we sat in the waiting room, I looked around at the other women. Several in there were obviously pregnant. I looked at them in awe….aching for that to be me in nine months.
I had managed to stifle the tears in the waiting room, but the moment I heard the nurse call my name, I could no longer hold them back. This was the moment of truth. In just moments I would know rather I was pregnant or not.
When we walked in the room, the nurse started asking me the standard questions trying to get the basic details. The tears continued to roll down my cheeks as I told her what was going on. Although every symptom described pointed to an unfortunate reality, the nurse tried encouraging us. She shared how she had experienced bleeding early on in her pregnancy, and how everything turned out fine. (Nurses truly have an amazing opportunity to minister to those they help. I will never forget how kind and encouraging this woman was to me.)
She left the room and I changed into the gown she left behind. In my mind I just kept thinking,
Maybe my story will be like hers. Maybe I am still pregnant.
The doctor finally came in for the ultrasound.
He was very nice and explained that since I was so early in my pregnancy that it may be hard to see the baby, even if everything was fine. I slowly laid back and he started the ultrasound. Tears streamed from the sides of my eyes as I stared at the black and white screen anxiously looking for anything….ANYTHING…..that resembled a baby. I didn’t see anything but the doctor wasn’t saying anything. He just kept looking at different angles….zooming in…..then going back and looking again.
Finally, the doctor confirmed what I feared. I was no longer pregnant.
He explained that he would want to do a blood test to check my hormone levels. The levels would indicate if my body had “taken care” of everything on its own or if I would need a DNC.
“Taken care of everything”??? What did that even mean???? I couldn’t do anything but just sob.
As the lab tech took my blood, I know she was saying nice things to me, but I wasn’t really listening. There were so many things going through my head. That moment in time seemed so surreal.
How could this possibly be happening?
The ultrasound I was “supposed” to have was the one confirming my pregnancy. The one where you get a due date. The one where you sometimes even get to hear a heartbeat. BUT INSTEAD….here I was getting an ultrasound confirming that I was no longer pregnant. There would be no due date. There was no heartbeat. The little life inside of me was now gone.
I think we have all heard the term heartbroken….I know I had. But it was not until this moment in my life that I truly knew what it meant to be completely and utterly heartbroken.