March 21, 2010
March 21st was a Sunday. I was wearing the dress that I wore to my grandfather’s funeral. I had my husband take a picture of me before church for my second “baby bump” entry. I was convinced you could already see a bump. I sang with the praise team that morning during the worship service, and I remember my husband commenting that people might start figuring it out before we get a chance to tell them just from my appearance. (I am sure it wasn’t that obvious….but to us, it was!)
I was preparing lunch when a stabbing, sharp cramp in my lower stomach brought me to my knees. Crouched down on the floor, I was a little alarmed, but I thought it may just be normal from changes in my body. When the pain subsided enough that I could stand, I went to bathroom. Nothing seemed out of the normal, so I just passed the episode off as a pregnancy symptom and went back to fixing lunch.
When Brandon got home from church, we ate lunch. I told him about the cramp, and although I didn’t have anymore, we figured I might should lay down and rest. Maybe my body was just letting me know I needed to slow down. So I laid down on the couch and quickly went to sleep. After napping for about 2 hours, I got up and started to get ready to go back to church for our evening activities. When I went to the bathroom, I noticed a small amount of blood. That is when the initial panic began!
So immediately, I did what I normally do….I did a Google search. (You may see a pattern at this point.) I was somewhat comforted to find that early in the first trimester some women experience slight bleeding from the changes that are happening inside of their bodies. That calmed me down a little, but there was no denying it, I was scared.
I decided to call the doctor on call just to be safe. An operator answered and she told me they would page the doctor to call me. Anxiously awaiting the call, I went on to church.
Not long after I got to church, the doctor called. God was so good….because the doctor on call was MY doctor, Dr. K! I went outside our Family Life Center and began nervously pacing as we began discussing the situation. I told him everything that happened…expecting him to be very alarmed. To my surprise, he was very calm. He said it could just be a result of the baby growing, and unless I began to bleed more, he thought I could just wait until my first doctor’s visit to come in. He told me that if the bleeding increased, though, to call back.
Even though my doctor seemed to think everything was ok, I was so anxious. I had to teach GA’s (Girls in Action….a missions study for young girls) that night. The whole time I was with the girls, my mind was somewhere else. I kept thinking, “What if I am losing my baby as I teach?” As soon as the parents came to pick up their children, I went to the bathroom to check for any more bleeding. My heart sank when I saw that I was bleeding more.
By the time I got home that night, it was pretty evident that something wasn’t right. It was absolutely horrible. We called the doctor back and he told me to come in first thing the next morning.
I called my team teacher at school to see if she would mind getting substitute plans ready for me. She had no clue I was even pregnant, and here I was telling her that I had to go to the doctor because I was miscarrying. Instead of getting to tell her the best news of my life, I was telling her my worst nightmare! Talk about turn of events. She was so supportive and compassionate. What a great friend! She told me not to worry about a thing and she would get everything together for me.
That night was one of the worst nights of my entire life. The rest of the night I remember trying to avoid going to the bathroom. I just kept thinking, “What if I end up flushing my baby down the toilet without even knowing it?”
I couldn’t sleep at all. How could I sleep as the life inside of me ended?
The worst part was that there was absolutely nothing I could do about it! There was nothing anyone could do about it.
In my numbness and pain….I finally managed to cry myself to sleep.